Feeling Down
Some days things just hit you a little harder than usual.
I try to maintain a positive attitude but there are some days when missing out on a part really just hurts. Was it because I was unable to show up in person (I would much rather audition in-person than send a tape)? Was it just that I am not good enough? Maybe my confidence has been misplaced. Maybe I am not as good as I think I am. What if I never am? What if I never get there ('there' being that elusive place where I feel at peace with my artistry, like I am actually doing justice to a role and not failing miserably)?
"Push yourself."
"Be open."
"Be courageous."
This week has been one of those weeks where I just feel like I am falling apart. I feel like I am just kidding myself. I feel like an imposter. How dare I call myself an actor. I don't know what the hell I am doing. I'm trying to, but I really just don't know. I feel like everyone around me that I have performed with and taken classes with is bypassing me, just running laps around me with their progress and I feel like I am dragging myself through tar just trying to keep up. "You have the passion!" "You are so dedicated!" "You have such a strong work ethic!" These are constantly said to me, but it feels like I am not actually making any progress. I am working, sure, but is it actually making an impact in my craft? I am working at it but not going anywhere. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make the work effective. I don't know what I am missing and what I can be doing to actually develop.
I read the books, I do the exercises, I watch masterclasses, I watch films, I watch theatre, I take notes, I read plays, I take classes, I do the homework, I do more homework and more and more but I just feel stagnant. Like I am missing something extremely important. I'm not sure what it is but it's tearing me down. I feel like I don't know anything about this, in spite of all the research and study and classes. I ask questions. Sometimes I am met with silence, sometimes I am given an answer and I modify what I am doing to see if that answer helps.
Sometimes I wonder if asking questions hurts me more than it helps. There seems to be this odd balance in theatre of openness, but.. not. You aren't allowed to be afraid. I am afraid. I'm terrified. I try to use that to my advantage, pull from the energy of it, but in personal discussion it seems a taboo to bring up. As if it is contagious.
I try to maintain a positive attitude but there are some days when missing out on a part really just hurts. Was it because I was unable to show up in person (I would much rather audition in-person than send a tape)? Was it just that I am not good enough? Maybe my confidence has been misplaced. Maybe I am not as good as I think I am. What if I never am? What if I never get there ('there' being that elusive place where I feel at peace with my artistry, like I am actually doing justice to a role and not failing miserably)?
"Push yourself."
"Be open."
"Be courageous."
This week has been one of those weeks where I just feel like I am falling apart. I feel like I am just kidding myself. I feel like an imposter. How dare I call myself an actor. I don't know what the hell I am doing. I'm trying to, but I really just don't know. I feel like everyone around me that I have performed with and taken classes with is bypassing me, just running laps around me with their progress and I feel like I am dragging myself through tar just trying to keep up. "You have the passion!" "You are so dedicated!" "You have such a strong work ethic!" These are constantly said to me, but it feels like I am not actually making any progress. I am working, sure, but is it actually making an impact in my craft? I am working at it but not going anywhere. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make the work effective. I don't know what I am missing and what I can be doing to actually develop.
I read the books, I do the exercises, I watch masterclasses, I watch films, I watch theatre, I take notes, I read plays, I take classes, I do the homework, I do more homework and more and more but I just feel stagnant. Like I am missing something extremely important. I'm not sure what it is but it's tearing me down. I feel like I don't know anything about this, in spite of all the research and study and classes. I ask questions. Sometimes I am met with silence, sometimes I am given an answer and I modify what I am doing to see if that answer helps.
Sometimes I wonder if asking questions hurts me more than it helps. There seems to be this odd balance in theatre of openness, but.. not. You aren't allowed to be afraid. I am afraid. I'm terrified. I try to use that to my advantage, pull from the energy of it, but in personal discussion it seems a taboo to bring up. As if it is contagious.
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