Transforming Failures
It's been a strange day of reflecting on my past roles and auditions. I have been feeling that maybe I somehow flubbed that opportunity yesterday. I hadn't even auditioned yet. Perhaps they found someone with a more extensive resume, or a better look. Maybe they were well-known and already established?
There are days when I feel enormously grateful for everything, and days where I am terrified that I am just deluding myself with this dream of becoming a professional actor. It isn't even so much about the working actor bit, it is more about reaching a level of standard that I have set for myself. I don't want to be simply "passable" and I don't want to be good. I want to be a great actor, a great storyteller, the sort that can fire a line like an arrow to your heart, captured in the story and what meaning it has to offer you.
I tossed and turned last night (which isn't unusual), and waking up I just was still so tired and thinking about roles I've lost out on. There have been many auditions and a significant number that I crossed my fingers, wished on a star, went to sleep at night dreaming of playing the part - and never got the call. You never really get used to auditioning, in my opinion. Granted, I am only 3 years into this journey, so I could be wrong, but it is just as nerve-wracking to me as when I started, the only difference is I try to transform the nerves now into energy for the scene.
I maintain a journal for auditions. Any time I have an audition, I write about it, but I try and keep it productive. I write how the initial experience was- walking into the room, what I saw, who was there, if anything made me nervous or at ease and why. I write about what I am wearing and about how I prepared for the audition, how confident I feel. At the end of the audition, before I leave the building, I sit down in the lobby and I write how I felt the audition went. Did I feel connected to my piece? Was I distracted? Did they give me any sort of direction, and if so- how I handed it. Did I take it and run with it, or did I resist it or hold back? Then I write down what I could do better next time, and I leave.
I also make a habit of storing all my previous taped auditions in a folder on my computer (an external harddrive is very nice for this as well). I also tape myself "audition style" for in-person auditions, just before the actual audition, that way I have something to reflect on for those as well (even if the actual audition experience in the room was different - which I will note in my journal).
Times like this, when I feel like I am stagnant, or treading water in a pool much too deep for me, I like to look back on those auditions. Just to remind myself. I also write (or type) like I am doing now. Somehow getting it all down helps. It's like a purge.
Just put one foot in front of the other.
I'll end this one with an apt quote,
"You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain." -Tom Hiddleston
There are days when I feel enormously grateful for everything, and days where I am terrified that I am just deluding myself with this dream of becoming a professional actor. It isn't even so much about the working actor bit, it is more about reaching a level of standard that I have set for myself. I don't want to be simply "passable" and I don't want to be good. I want to be a great actor, a great storyteller, the sort that can fire a line like an arrow to your heart, captured in the story and what meaning it has to offer you.
I tossed and turned last night (which isn't unusual), and waking up I just was still so tired and thinking about roles I've lost out on. There have been many auditions and a significant number that I crossed my fingers, wished on a star, went to sleep at night dreaming of playing the part - and never got the call. You never really get used to auditioning, in my opinion. Granted, I am only 3 years into this journey, so I could be wrong, but it is just as nerve-wracking to me as when I started, the only difference is I try to transform the nerves now into energy for the scene.
I maintain a journal for auditions. Any time I have an audition, I write about it, but I try and keep it productive. I write how the initial experience was- walking into the room, what I saw, who was there, if anything made me nervous or at ease and why. I write about what I am wearing and about how I prepared for the audition, how confident I feel. At the end of the audition, before I leave the building, I sit down in the lobby and I write how I felt the audition went. Did I feel connected to my piece? Was I distracted? Did they give me any sort of direction, and if so- how I handed it. Did I take it and run with it, or did I resist it or hold back? Then I write down what I could do better next time, and I leave.
I also make a habit of storing all my previous taped auditions in a folder on my computer (an external harddrive is very nice for this as well). I also tape myself "audition style" for in-person auditions, just before the actual audition, that way I have something to reflect on for those as well (even if the actual audition experience in the room was different - which I will note in my journal).
Times like this, when I feel like I am stagnant, or treading water in a pool much too deep for me, I like to look back on those auditions. Just to remind myself. I also write (or type) like I am doing now. Somehow getting it all down helps. It's like a purge.
Just put one foot in front of the other.
I'll end this one with an apt quote,
"You never know what's around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you've climbed a mountain." -Tom Hiddleston
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